Looking inward comes so naturally for me. I have always been introspective. I am the type of person who analyzes every detail of life. I rerun conversations and moments in my day over and over again in my mind. This is a bad habit and one that brings little fruit to my life yet it seems that I am unable to control this horrible habit. The reason why it is horrible is because I am self critical and go through a long monologue of negative self talk. God is not pleased with this and all this inward looking is really quite narcissistic. Honestly, who does this help? Isn't life more about embracing what is not looking back and wishing what wasn't? I have wasted many many hours worrying, fretting, stressing and for what?? No one gains from my inner questions. Perhaps spilling my guts to the world like this helps. Maybe getting these feeling out in the open and seeing them for what they really are will weaken their grip. Funny how we form habits be destructive as they are, they seem to fill us with comfort on some deep dark level. Am I the only one who does things that hurt one's self but can't seem to stop doing them anyway? This is where I need to hit the reset button and STOP. The much more productive and Christ-like discipline would be to look upward. When I say upward I mean into the heavenly realm. Asking God about His opinions and input would be much more productive. Actually being quiet and listening for His words would be so much more productive and would so much more blessing to my life. Imagine the gains that could be made when one stops fretting and actually starts listening to the one who make us? That I need to ponder, let that sink down deep into the dark parts and let it mingle there a while. Baby steps Angela, baby steps. One day I will be able to just rest in the moment and not have to relive each moment and evaluate every detail. One day I will just be. With God's help and me looking upward instead of inward I won't have to hit that reset button.
Here's a scripture to bury in my heart and so can you if you struggle with such things:
"O LORD, my heart is not lifted up;
my eyes are not raised too high;
I do not occupy myself with things
too great and too marvelous for me.
But I have calmed and quieted my soul,
like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul
within me."
Psalm 131 ESV
